Managing Tantrums: Understanding the ‘Why’ Behind the Behavior

By Empower Behavior Coaching Parent Training Team 

Introduction 

If you have a child who engages in tantrum behaviors regularly, you know how frustrating and overwhelming it can feel as a parent. You may find yourself wondering what triggered the behavior or how to calm the situation quickly. 

When kids experience big emotions they can’t express, it often leads to emotional dysregulation and behaviors that seem to come “out of nowhere.” But here’s the good news: all behavior happens for a reason — even if the reason isn’t immediately clear. 

Understanding the why behind a tantrum is one of the most powerful tools you can use to help your child in the moment and reduce future occurrences. 

Understanding the ABA Principle 

Behaviors are a form of communication, especially when a child has difficulty expressing what they need, want, or feel. A tantrum might occur because: 

• A favorite toy or activity was taken away 

• A difficult task was presented 

• A transition happened unexpectedly 

• The environment became overwhelming or overstimulating 

When a child can’t communicate effectively in these situations, they often express themselves through behavior. 

The ABCs of Behavior 

Understanding the why starts with looking at what we call the ABCs of Behavior: 

A = Antecedent  What happened right before the tantrum? 

• Was something denied? 

• Was your child asked to transition? 

• Did they walk into a loud room or overwhelming environment? 

B = Behavior  What did the tantrum look like? 

• Crying 

• Screaming 

• Dropping to the floor 

• Throwing items 

• Refusing to move 

C = Consequence  What happened after the behavior? 

• Did someone give attention (comfort, lecturing, talking)? 

• Did the child get access to something? 

• Was a task removed or delayed? 

When we understand these pieces, we can identify the function — or the why — behind the behavior. 

The Four Main Functions of Behavior 

Most behaviors occur for one (or a combination) of these reasons: 

1. Attention – seeking interaction from adults or peers 

2. Access – wanting an item or activity 

3. Escape – avoiding or delaying a task, demand, or situation 

4. Sensory – meeting a physical or sensory need 

Once you identify the function, you can respond in a way that reduces tantrums and teaches more appropriate communication skills. 

How Parents Can Apply This at Home 

• Write down the ABCs for one behavior you’d like to decrease 

• Look for patterns in what happens before and after the behavior 

• Identify the likely “why” based on these patterns 

• Respond according to the function: 

If the behavior is for attention: 

• Teach appropriate ways to ask for attention 

• Limit reinforcement for disruptive behaviors 

If the behavior is for escape: 

• Teach ways to request a break 

• Offer help instead of removing tasks altogether 

If the behavior is for access: 

• Teach your child how to appropriately ask for the item 

• Practice waiting skills and accepting “no” or “not right now” 

If the behavior is for sensory needs: 

• Provide appropriate sensory outlets 

• Swing 

• Mini trampoline 

• Body sock 

• Sensory bin 

• Noise-reducing headphones 

Common Mistakes or Myths 

“My child is doing this on purpose.”  Tantrums are not manipulative — they’re communication. Kids use the tools available to them. Our job is to teach better tools. 

“If I ignore it, it will just get worse.”  Ignoring can lead to an initial increase (called an extinction burst), but with consistency and teaching new skills, behaviors typically decrease over time. 

When to Seek Professional Support 

There may be times when professional help is needed. If your child is engaging in behaviors that feel beyond your current knowledge, or if you’ve tried strategies that don’t seem to help, it may be time to seek additional coaching or support. 

Our team provides parent training and individualized coaching to help families reach their goals through practical, evidence-based strategies. 

Final Encouragement 

Understanding why a behavior occurs can open the door to an entirely new perspective on how to support your child. With the right tools, patience, and consistency, you can help your child communicate their needs more effectively and navigate big emotions with greater confidence. 

Contact Empower Behavior Coaching to learn how our parent training program supports your family. 

Empower Behavior Coaching